September.... Back to School time... An invigorating crispness in the morning air, leaves beginning to turn color and drop, satisfyingly crunchy underfoot. Newly cut hair and freshly sharpened pencils. Lunch boxes unsullied by the stink of half-eaten sandwiches. Children flipping open the covers of brand new crayon boxes nad pressing their noses against the cool flat tips, inhaling deply the smell that, even as adults, transports us to Septembers so far in our past they seem another lifetime.
For parents, some Septembers are more dramatic than others. There is always that sense of beginning, but some years simultaneously signal an end. Kindergarten for example. The very first day of school. Such excitement! Such anticipation! Breakfast eaten hurriedly so there is time for photos and last minute outfit adjustments. Parents' smiles and optimism hiding their secret dread of turning their children loose to a world where other adults will hold sway over their thinking and judgment. Where they will be subjected to fickle friendships and owies with no Mom to kiss and make better.
I remember vividly the first day of my older daughter's kindergarten year. I thought about the day so often with a mixture of excitement and dread, but nothing prepared me for the real thing. "C'mon! Finish your cheerios! We can''t be late!" The short walk over to school, her hand feeling suddenly oh-so-small in mine that I tightened my grip just a little. The charged energy around the school yard as we entered the "big kid" world of teachers and books and new friendships. The principal greeting everyone. A few familiar faces. And then, at last, the classroom. Parents and siblings stood off to the side watching as the teacher introduced herself to the children and laid down a few ground rules. Sarah looked small and angelic in her seat way in the back of the class. I was in love with this moment. But then the teacher's attention turned to us, breaking the spell. "Thank you parents, brothers and sisters. See you after school." We shuffled out, our younger daughter in Dan's arms, all smiles and waves on the outside. But inside was a different story. Something major was changing. I felt like I was outside my body, watching it happen. Why wasn't I happy anymore?
