Christmas is over. Well, not completely over. The day is over but the feeling lingers... For me, Christmas happens more fully once the day itself has passed. Once the pressure has lifted and the work is done. Then comes the real holiday -- a time to reflect and relax and enjoy the fruits of all the planning and hard work. If only we could do more of that ahead of the holiday so that the anticipation could be more joyful and holy and sweet. I have been working on that for a while now, and try to remember each year to savor the pre-Christmas as much as the post.
When the kids were little, I struggled so with this holiday which consists largely of mercantile madness. I felt so underneath all the lists and the self-imposed intensity and the need to buy for everyone the perfect gift.
The bitter irony is that we women have taken a beautiful time of year and turned it into a frenzy. We women created this insanity. I mean, really, do you see men freaking out about lists and home-made jam and what to buy nieces and nephews they never see and whose names they don't even remember? I confess that in years past, I secretly strove for a picture perfect Edwardian Christmas with the smell of delicious foods and mulled cider wafting through the house, my children dressed in lovely clothes, stringing garlands of popcorn and cranberries for the tree (we actually did that one year), delivering hand-made gifts to neighbors and friends (yes - we've made homemade marmalade and cookies), our gingerbread house made from scratch sitting proudly on the dining table (done it -- more than once). But, unlike the Edwardian days, we don't have servants to help, we work part- or full-time jobs and we are blinking exhausted from just the normal wear and tear of our lives. However, most women I know push Christmas and push it hard and we drive our men and everyone else crazy with it all.
What if we didn't do it? What if we just let it happen and unfold on its own?
Truthfully, I think everyone would miss it. However, I remember a year when I was sick in bed and the holiday went along fine without my guidance and direction. And how about the year I had a baby on Christmas Day? My goodness, 18 years ago I left for the hospital just before midnight (after putting all the gifts under the tree, while my sisters - nurses - had nervous breakdowns, trying to remember their maternity rotations). And guess what? Christmas happened anyway. Friends came to the hospital to see the newborn. There were great phone calls back home. Sarah got her dream present - a little sister. And Santa made it to the hospital for a visit (I was indisposed at the time and missed him but he was there all the same.)
When that child of 18 was young, I tried to figure out how to best celebrate her birthday so that she wouldn't feel deprived or cheated. The negative reactions to telling people about this Christmas birth (oh, poor kid - what a bummer - she'll feel so ripped off) just furthered my resolve to make sure this daughter had a spectacular birthday each year. Someone suggested the idea of celebrating her half birthday every year and I considered it for a time. But when listening to a Prairie Home Companion radio show, Garrison Keillor talked about Christmas time - a time when people's hearts are open and giving and generous - this time of germination and beauty and light - and I knew that this was the time when we would celebrate our daughter's birth and when she would as well.
And so we have... There were some bumps at first. We over-compensated so much that our older daughter laid into us saying, "This is Christmas and it's fun for me, too, but I feel like you're taking it away from me with all this focus on Julia." Touche - point taken. We adjusted and shuffled around a bit and finally made it to a place where everyone is happy.
It is a lovely time of year - a good time - as long as we don't let it get away from us. When you see your kids coming at you and you hope and pray that they are not going to ask "can we make the gingerbread house now?" because you have SO much else to do to ensure that Christmas happens... remember - that IS Christmas. It's making a gingerbread house with your kids - even if you have to order a pizza for dinner and forgo the cards and Christmas letter until after the holiday has passed.
I found something that I wrote a long time ago when the kids were little and I was struggling with my need to enjoy the holiday, if not for myself, then for my daughters' sake. We do not have to pass down the insanity, but can instead model peace and love and a relaxation of expectations. I felt it back then and I feel it even more now....
12/27/02, 6:30 a.m.
I have to work today. So I am up before the rest of the house. I thought I might need a little quiet time before leaving this peaceful nest full of Christmas energy and warmth. The thought of starting up the noisy, cold diesel engine while my girls are still sleeping feels terribly wrong. Sort of like going off to jail having been falsely accused of a crime. Knowing that I'll miss a piece of the magic. So I tiptoe downstairs, put the kettle on and plug in the Christmas tree lights. I slowly tidy up the sitting area which is still strewn with bits of wrapping and glitter and socks and dog toys. Suddenly Christmas comes into full view. I realize that Dan will want to take the tree down before we leave tomorrow and I don't want this to happen. Christmas always feels more real to me during the days after, when peace is restored and the lingering has begun. It occurs to me to try doing some lingering before Christmas next year. Despite fatigue and resistance, to get up a half hour early, light the tree, make some tea and sit, meditate, stretch, pray, BE. Absorb Christmas before it absorbs you. Look at the objects strewn about the house and love them because of who they belong to. Maybe this is only possible after the holiday and the frenzy have passed. But it's worth a try -- if not before, then after. It can be the great reward to anticipate after all the work and the off-centering effect of this pre-season madness. But perhaps, if it can be done before, just a little, it will help to maintain the center and the joy. It's worth a try.
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