What’s more fun than a barrel full of monkeys? A hot tub full of your best friends!
Last weekend, my daughters surprised me with an early birthday celebration. They whisked me away to breakfast at a Capitol Hill creperie and then to a nearby women’s spa where, unbeknownst to me, they had sneakily assembled six of my closest women friends. The manager of the spa took me a “tour” of the facility. Entering the tub room I had a split second to notice a number of women already in the water before they jumped up, their unison shout of “SURPRISE!” echoing off the tiled walls. After my heart returned to its normal rate, I spent two dreamy hours luxuriating in the warmth of the tub, sauna and steam room and in the sweet, loving company of my beautiful friends.
I love my husband (who was part of the planning and scheming of this surprise). He is my best friend and has stood by me when even I couldn’t stand being around myself. My entire life has been blessed with fabulous male friendships. But I honestly do not know how I would get through this life without my girlfriends. They are the glue that holds me together when I am falling apart. They fill in the gaps when things start to crack. They know me better than I know myself and they love me for who I am – and, at times, I am sure, in spite of how I am.
I am certain that same sex friendships are important and necessary. But I can’t speak to what it is like to be a man or to be friends with a man - as a man. So for now, this one’s for the ladies. But keep reading, all you men who love the women in your lives and understand that when we get together with the girls, it’s a good thing. A very good thing.
Hanging with our women friends not only can be fun, it can actually be good for our health. A 2002 UCLA study suggested that spending time with our women friends counteracts stress. This study, which turned stress research upside down, found that men and women’s different response to stress was not as simple as fight or flight. Researchers found that when the hormone, oxytocin, is released as a stress response in women, it causes them to tend to children and gather with other women rather than fight or flee. This tending and befriending releases even more oxytocin, countering stress and creating a calming effect. What enhances the release of oxytocin? Estrogen. What reduces it? Testosterone.
A famous Harvard Medical School Nurses’ Health Study revealed that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged and the more likely they were to find joy in their lives. Researchers were so convinced of these results they concluded that not having close women friends was as detrimental to health as being overweight or smoking.
In The Mists of Avalon, by Marion Zimmer Bradley, the Arthurian legend is told from the female perspective. The story spans the transitional period from matriarchal to patriarchal society; from a time when the primary deity was a female to a time when the Christian deity was clearly depicted as male. This transition affected women’s relationships with one another and in one telling scene, Morgaine, a priestess who is now living in Arthur’s castle, is asked to help conspire against one of the women at court. Her response is one of bewilderment and she explains that she could never consider plotting the downfall of a sister.
How different that is from the way I grew up. Girls could be so mean to one another. So competitive. So judgmental. What a waste of time that was. If only I had known what I know now: that when we are supportive of each other we are at our strongest. Our best. My sister was visiting from Denver years ago when my daughters were very young. They were talking about a girl in school. “She’s such show-off,” they complained. “She wears slutty clothes and she’s mean to everyone.” My sister gently suggested to my daughters that it was important to realize she may be that way for a reason. Rather than judge and reject, it would be better to try to understand and then be kind and forgiving. My daughters clearly learned this lesson well, as evidenced by their actions last weekend.
A quote I came across from a book titled, Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls' and Women's Friendships hit home for me. “…women are such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they're with other women. It's a very healing experience.”
Science and literature aside, I cherish and need my women friends. You might even say I am an addict. Yes, that is entirely possible. Hello, my name is Irene and I’m an addict. I’m addicted to oxytocin and I don’t want to be cured. I’ve just gotta have it from time to time. I can hook you up if you want to try some. Lucky for me, I have plenty of sources.
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